Updated: Aug 25, 2019
People enjoy the glass half-empty/glass half-full mini psychological evaluation. Thinking to myself, I realize I’m certainly not a dedicated pessimist (half empty). Never an undying optimist (half full).
Which type am I? I’m a “there’s water in the glass, dumkopf” type of person (Just facts all day long).
Just ridiculous, deliberate and determined joy-killing. Facts only. No joy. It is within my threshold to tell an overtly smitten twosome that it’s not “love”. It’s just biochemistry. For Pete’s sake and all. But…I’ve thought about it.
I’ve formed a self-sabotaging and destructive habit out of a need to protect my feelings. Self-preservation in regards to success re-activated today.
There I am walking down the hallway after a morning of writing. I am full of serenity, full of purpose, full of my limited edition super cape flapping in the Winds of Destiny. There’s music and blinding light because I’m standing so close to the sun with my awesome hair. This little Snow White scene gets rained out with my next thought: the money my writing brings in should be adequate to pay any hospital bills from future emergency surgeries I may need. What the actual what.
♫ ♬Joy kill. ♫
Break up with happiness before it breaks up with me.
As a youngling, killing my own joy and hope because of expectation that my parents will say “no” is commonplace. After a while, I just stop asking. Expectation of No grows roots and settles into my way of “being” as I grow into adulthood. I avoid paths that lead to really good things, being sure “that’s probably gonna be a no”.
There is no parent-blame here (not since yesterday). Out of 4 siblings, I’m the only one who blossomed in this beautifully crippling way. I’m a type and my type simply hates crushing disappointment after sky-soaring hope. And my type simply makes sure that anything I don’t like never happens again. Ever. Is all.
Which leads to this pattern of debilitating self-preservation.
Every pattern has a starting point and Success doesn’t mean Immediate Freedom From Personal Hangups. But if we’re wise, introspective and reflective, we can have Success in spite of them.
…I tend to also throw in an incredibly dramatic prayer to heaven that more often than not brings me clarity.